Last Autumn as Two - From the Lost Blog

Once again, I blinked and an entire season passed. Not just a season, but a lifetime; an entire chapter. I had hoped to get these memories written down before the arrival of my daughter but she got here early, determined to see the last leaves of autumn or perhaps excited by the crackle and bang of the bonfire night fireworks. On this rainy isle, our life is so dominated by seasons, by the shifting and changing and even the micro-seasons within the seasons. The subtle changes you see within just a few days – for example, I went into hospital in the depth of autumn and when I came out, the last leaves were falling and there was the definite bite of winter in the air.

But that’s another story.

This autumn has been a haze, a dream. Gloriously lolling and whimsical. It came early, sometime in August and I remember sitting at the pool one Sunday in the sunshine, willing myself to get into the cold waters with the breeze of early autumn chilling my shoulders. I remember thinking then; ‘ahah, you’re here.’ In that time, there’s been a few storms. Nothing remarkable for Cornwall, but enough for the waves to throw seaweed and stones into the road along Penzance promenade and enough for me to gaze out of my bedroom window at the rushing waves churning in our usually quiet bay and feel peaceful. I always find peace in the storms. When I think of this autumn in the future, the last autumn of just Jon & I, I want to remember the many nights staring out the window at the constellations looking for Lyra. One memorable morning, when I was so uncomfortably pregnant, I woke up just before dusk and stood at the window watching the last stars as they twinkled and faded as morning swallowed them up. For me, that was a magical moment. This autumn was filled with the most romantic and dreamlike of moonrises and moonsets. Endless teeny crescent moons (my personal favourite.) Fat, ominous harvest full moons in mysterious reds and corn yellows. There have been so many moons and I have loved them all.

Now that Lyra is here, it’s easy to feel that pregnancy went so quickly. That the seasons rushed past and that autumn was gone in a gust of wind. I know though that this wasn’t the case; in fact I had began a post documenting my experiences of the third trimester which I’ll pop here below as I know that one day it’ll tickle me to read it back. Perhaps it’ll remind me of my solemn vow not to have more children. Not that I’m not grateful for Lyra of course, but I loved being an only child and I have great dreams of family road trips and explorations, just myself, Jon and Lyra.

Excerpts from an entry written 3 weeks ago…

I can barely believe it’s just 3 weeks to go until we meet our little girl. It’s felt like the longest journey and if I’m completely honest, I feel like I’ve been pregnant for absolutely ever but suddenly the end has crept up on us and there’s just 3 weeks left. My friend Holly predicts she’s going to be a week early and so far Holly has predicted everything correctly and seems to be some sort of Oracle so I’m gonna put some faith in this and not be surprised if she gets it right again.

I’m really glad that my third trimester has happened over the autumn. Although I thought I’ve had what’s mostly been a very easy pregnancy (I didn’t vomit from morning sickness and as someone who can’t stand throwing up, I consider all other symptoms a small price to pay for the avoidance of actual vomiting) the last trimester has been by far the hardest and as I’m generally a very active person who loves ambling up and down dodgy cliff-sides to get to remote beaches or cramming in a lot of outdoor exploring time, it’s been really hard to embrace being a couch potato. It’s been such a pretty autumn and I’ve done my best to get outside when I can and take it all in, but the fact is that walking and getting up from a chair is just downright painful now. I’m not going to paint a pretty picture of pregnancy no matter how ‘beautiful’ people say it is. Even an ‘easy’ one isn’t going to get round the fact that by this time (37 weeks) you basically have very little use of your abdominal muscles and have to hoist or roll yourself out of chairs and sofas with all the upper body strength you can muster. Simple activities like breakfast basically become a marathon and by the time you’re done, you’re exhausted and ready for a nap. Getting comfortable even in bed or on the squishiest of sofas is just impossible, and at this point my tum feels so big and huge, I feel like it’s just going to explode. As I’m still working from home, I don’t have time to take the naps I need so I’m living in a perpetual state of hazy exhaustion. I’m so glad this didn’t happen over the summer which is been by far the hottest and sunniest I can remember in years as I don’t think I’d physically be able to make myself sit it out and would likely just run myself right into the ground.

Please don’t think I’m trying to put you off childbirth (except future Sarah if you’re reading this nostalgically, just don’t do it again. There’s plenty of kids out there that need adopting.) Trust me, your hormones will take over if you really want a child and anything will seem like a small price to pay to have that darling babe in your arms and I don’t begrudge our little Tum Goblin (our current nickname for her) one ounce of my discomfort because she will be worth it (No pressure L.)

So the third trimester? What has it been really like? I’ll do my best not to whinge about it 

They’re not lying when they say that the second is the honeymoon period. I breezed through it carrying on doing the things I loved doing with only mild inconveniences like the odd dizzy spell, getting a little out of breath here and there and not having my usual strength or energy. The third trimester hit me like a train when it kicked in at 28 weeks. Exhaustion (I keep going on about that don’t I?) becoming a slave to my bladder, getting impossible to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time without getting up to pee or turning over in bed because my hips keep getting sore, being too hot all the time, getting winded doing simple walks and the oh so familiar dull ache of ‘period like’ cramps. Hello old friends. Oh, and this morning I almost couldn’t fit through my shower door… something I’ve clearly been taking for granted all this time. Sorry… I whinged a bit didn’t I?

So what have been the good bits about the third trimester?

I love watching her move about, Jon and I enjoy just hanging out with her. Sometimes we sing to her which makes her wiggle a whole bunch but it’s funny because Jon only knows the lyrics to Radiohead and David Bowie songs so I guess she’s going to grow up thinking that Karma Police is a bedtime lullaby. I love it when Jon lies next to my tum with his face resting against it and she moves over to be by the warmth of his cheek like his head is some sort of hot water bottle for her. It’s adorable and gets me every time. I love that we’ve created this myth that the Tum brings good luck and any time before Jon heads off to a ‘Magic the Gathering’ card game match or a shoot, he rubs the Tum for good luck and so far it’s won him a lot of matches. A few weeks ago we shuffled around the bedroom and assembled her cot (We decided to opt for a co-sleeper cot because we’re needy cuddle monsters who want to have our babe close by at night.) This was a really great evening for us, we put on a playlist and had so much fun laying out all of her little clothes ready and assembling her parts of our room.

I’ve also enjoyed my newfound ability to eat sugary foods (not sure if this is a good thing or not…) In the past, I’ve never really liked sugary drinks, sweets or deserts. I could only manage cake if it was a very savoury flavour like courgette cake or one of those weird vegetable based inventions but now I’m a fiend for ice cream, donuts… you name it. The St Ives bakery has become my new best friend and their donuts are my addiction. I’ve been enjoying this new appreciation for tasty treats but not sure it’s going to do my teeth any good if it hangs around once the baby is out! Both of my parents have a very sweet tooth and at this point, I think my dad has only got one or two of his own teeth left so I’ve got a bit of a weird issue around teeth as a result. I’m determined to keep my own for as long as physically possible and after 5 years of having braces I am determined not to screw them up.
My friends threw me a surprise baby shower too a couple of weeks ago. I have to admit, it took me back to the days of home-based birthday parties and as we all sat around in a circle it almost felt like we were gonna crack out some gloves and a scarf and try and eat chocolate with a knife and fork or play pass the parcel (very nostalgic) and I felt quite odd receiving all these gifts but the best part was having the people I loved around me. Seriously, I was so happy. I had friends that had travelled a loooong way to be there and when Josiah who lives in London turned up unexpectedly I just burst into tears. I can’t even blame pregnancy hormones because that’s perfectly normal Sarah behaviour. Alex (On Serpentine Shores) who had co-arranged with with Jess (Between the City and sea) had been up all night carefully creating a baby-shower version of cards against humanity which was hilarious and was enjoyed all round. I wanted to keep all my friends there forever but they had to go home and there’s laws against kidnapping people so I reluctantly let them go. That was one of my favourite third trimester memories though, I was really worried that pregnancy might alienate and weird out some of my friends who don’t have children but every single one of them has been so supportive.

 

So here are my snapshots, my postcards from the final autumn that Jon and I shared together. Where we could hop in a car and head somewhere impulsively. We did that often. Sat in the carpark at mounts bay stuffing our faces with fries dipped in ice cream watching the waves beyond the castle and looking at seabirds and sunsets. It was an autumn of gentle walks around National Trust properties in Cornwall, catching up with friends, doing our best to make the most of the unique autumn’s that this little county experiences. Autumn in Cornwall isn’t as colourful as the rest of the island, but we get mists and storms, hazy twinkly moons and empty beaches to enjoy. They’re something unique, special. The colour palette is different and when I think of autumn I think of grey, muted sandy beaches and smoke rising from crackling bonfires in the hills. I think of teeny cheshire grin moons and murmurations.

Winter is here now. I can hear it blowing a hoolie against my bedroom window and the babe is sleeping softly (for now) in her bedside cot. I need to remember these moments, because they feel like a lifetime ago. Maybe even somebody else’s life.