A Little Surprise

Hi world. It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve been quite absent from this space for the past few months and even in the last year or so, despite overhauling my blog and internet space, I’ve still not been as diligent as I’d like with recording memories, places, sentiments. That isn’t for the lack of adventures however, it’s been an incredibly busy year and it’s surreal to think we’re already half way through. I probably shouldn’t talk about that… it’s downright terrifying and kind of morbid. But here I am, rearing my head from the secret and private space of my sleepy, airy seaside corner of the world and ready to get stuck in again. I think. I hope 

 

So what’s been happening?

We moved to Penzance at last and I’ve finally a place to call home. Big light windows, views of the aquamarine ocean and the comfiest bed that ever was. I love my little home and after years of being between places, never really settling or feeling like I belong, I am so at peace here. That was February – and that was an eventful one in itself. It was the month it snowed a lot, in fact it snowed the day after we moved in. Waking up in our new home, looking out of the window and seeing the snow serenely fall onto the sloping rooftops of Penzance and into the misty ocean was a surreal experience that I’ll never forget. Snows are rare down these parts because of our mild seaside climate and it felt like a magical welcome to this weird and wonderful little place.

It snowed a lot that month… it meant crunching and sliding through the cobbled streets trying not to fall on my backside whilst doing our best to buy groceries and stock up on bread. Work was called off and that meant it was all fun and games; little explores around the park and botanical gardens which had transformed into a winter wonderland and snuggling up in the duvet on the couch. It was one of the best Februarys that I can possibly remember.

March brought a surprise… after all our jokes about snow babies (A November baby-boom as a result of Cornwall being snowed in a lot of February/March) we had indeed placed a jinx upon ourselves and found out we were expecting our very own little snow baby! This certainly wasn’t something we’d foreseen nor planned but after a lot of reflection, talking about which direction we wanted to go together in the world and in life, we decided that it was something we were very happy and excited about but were going to keep secret until the 12 weeks mark…

T H E   F I R S T   T R I M E S T E R

I was lucky, despite nearly every mother-to-be I know suffering from terrible morning sickness, I felt nothing. No symptoms at all other than my weight piling on despite me eating no more than usual and my already uncomfortably large boobs morphing into ultra-mega-boobs. Ugh. It was easy to think that perhaps the three positive pregnancy tests were wrong and that I had just been overdoing it on potatoes (not altogether hard to accept as a fact) but the 12 week scan flashed up a teeny-tiny human rather than a giant carbohydrate. It was quite touching. I just wish I wasn’t so socially ridiculous and hadn’t came out with “Oh great! It’s not a potato after all!” only to receive a raised eyebrow from the ultrasound technician. Why oh why do I do this awkward thing where I make weird small-talk? I did the same thing at my first midwife appointment where I was like “Oh I’d make a terrible heroin addict because I hate needles…” to which she responded in a deadpan voice (paraphrasing here) “Well I’d certainly hope so.”

The weird bit was getting my head around the fact that this was something I was allowed to do. Having a baby always felt like the kind of thing other kids did at my secondary school directly after leaving or for grown up latte mums who did yoga and had all their shit together. I didn’t feel like I fit into either of those categories so it felt slightly like I was a teenager that had gotten into trouble somehow… I had to remind myself that I’m 26, I have an adult job now, own my own furniture (or at least Jon owns our furniture) and my partner has a beard. That means I’m allowed a kid right?

Once getting past all that, I was actually pretty stoked and was like “Wahey, I now get a legitimate excuse to go in the soft-play, bouncy castles and ball ponds without judgement. Hello reliving my childhood!” Honestly…I promise I’m not a terrible, irresponsible human that’s just using my child as an excuse as a free-ticket to the giant ball park at Woodlands…

Psychological barriers and lack of physical symptoms aside, the only real ‘issue’ I’ve encountered is the frustration with my body. I’ve had to learn to be kinder to myself as I’ve got increasingly frustrated at how weight has absolutely piled onto my thighs, face, arms and back. I’d like to think I’m not vain but I’ve always been conscious of maintaining my fitness and physical wellbeing within a comfortable zone of “I’m happy and comfortable with my body, I feel strong, capable and that I’m not going to get puffed out on a coastal hike.” An office job with Seasalt for 7 months meant that I wasn’t getting much exercise and then with zero morning sickness, my body just gained pounds like crazy. I now don’t recognise the body I’m in and when I stand on the scales I feel uncomfortable. None of my usual clothes fit and I feel puffed out walking up a hill. No matter how much Jon reminds me that I need to be more forgiving on my body because “I’m growing a small human and all this is natural, bodies change, this is mother nature,” I feel like somehow I’m letting myself get weak and mushy. That if I don’t eat healthier and less, exercise more frequently and harder, I’m going to reach a point where I just don’t have my usual strength or stamina to do the outdoor activities that I enjoy so much. But then I reached my 18th week where I felt the teeny nudges of ‘Little Pudd’ (A goofy mix of both of our surnames – sorry kiddo) from inside and then all worries an insecurities about my body fell away. Every stretch mark, ugly but necessary super-supporting-maternity-bra and fat roll suddenly felt like it didn’t matter because my body wasn’t for me. It belonged to someone else far more important and they needed me this way if they were going to grow big and strong. We have to be kind to our bodies not just for our babies but for ourselves too because they take care of us and fat-rolls, marks and wobbly bits don’t make us any less strong, any less beautiful and don’t define us in any way.

So since finding out that we’re going to be building our very own little family, what else has happened?

Spring finally came quite late, but when it did, it was heart-stoppingly beautiful. Every bluebell, every magnolia and blossom was so greatly anticipated that the sweet smells of flora woke me up from my sleepy winter trance and filled me with energy, joy and wonderment for the new season. I left my customer services job to go full-time Freelance. I realised that I just wasn’t doing what I wanted with my life and life is after all a limited commodity. I didn’t want to spend my twenties working seven days a week, most of which in a job that made me anxious and tired which grew increasingly harder to juggle when I was photographing weddings weekly. Editing was piling up and I wasn’t writing anymore and writing was my one thing that I knew I needed to be doing. I hadn’t been able to pull my weight with Creative Countryside in my role as one of their feature editors and this was a role that was extremely important to me as it ensured I still had a community of writers post university. It gave me drive and prompts to keep creating writing with purpose and I needed that. It was really bothering me that I wasn’t able to be as involved as I wanted and so something had to give. Going fully freelance was the best decision I made since switching degrees at University. Quality of life always needs to come first.

Jon & I don’t really get to go on holiday because we’re so busy. I do get very envious when I see many of my freelance friends or people I follow on Instagram travelling frequently to beautiful, far-flung places but I do travel a lot for my work. Being a freelance photographer takes me all over the country so I’m grateful that I get to see parts of the UK I never knew existed and I’m piecing together my own map of this island I’ve inhabited my whole life. It’s rather wonderful. We must count our blessings not focus on that which we don’t have.

I had a shoot in Richmond London last week, so since it’s been a year since I was living in London, Jon & I thought it would be great to extend this trip a little so that we could enjoy some fond memories and visit some of our favourite parts of the city. I had been to Richmond before several times and it has some of my favourite spots like Kew Gardens and Petersham Nurseries. Strolling down the Thames in the evening light with the stone bridges in the backdrop felt almost as if it had transported me back to Paris and evening walks on the Seine.

We also ticked off a visit to the Horniman museum which had been on my ‘to-visit’ list for the longest time. In all honesty, the building and gardens were beautiful but it was quite taxidermy heavy for my poor, vegetarian curly boy. He did however adore the Butterfly House (this had been something I’ve dreamed of doing forever) and we found ourselves surrounded by so many colourful flappy-chaps fluttering about and occasionally landing on people’s heads. Jon was even ‘blessed’ by one handsome flappy-chap who landed on his leg. Jon is some sort of mystical forest man who just charms all wildlife and is loved by all animals. Shame our cactus doesn’t like him much 

So summer has kicked off beautifully. I’ve never felt so serene and contented before. I get to look at the sea every single day, we’ve made a habit of regularly going to the beach or the lido for a saltwater swim and I’m surrounded by nature constantly. I’m so excited to show all these beautiful things to Little Pudd, to tell them stories about Selkies and the lost lands of Lyonesse and to teach them all I know about this beautiful world. I hope they love these islands and its lore as much as we do (if they turn out to love video games, programming and want to be an accountant, we’ll be so out of our depth!) I know this isn’t the most structured of blog posts but I need to get my rhythm back and I wanted to share our happy happy news with everyone at long last. Especially now that I’m at the point where I just can’t keep my growing tummy a secret anymore!